


i think i've seen this film before

by sejutaejo



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Childhood Friends, F/F, F/M, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, POV First Person, Pre-Canon, beifong family drama exists
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25931896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sejutaejo/pseuds/sejutaejo
Summary: "It feels like somewhere untouched in the deepest center of my soul, an enlightening has occurred, and even with the weight of my flesh and blood and bones, I feel weightless at the resounding thought that, yes, I am in love with Lin Beifong and all her green colors."Kya realizes she's in love with Lin, but we all know how this ends.
Relationships: Lin Beifong/Kya II, Lin Beifong/Tenzin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	i think i've seen this film before

**Author's Note:**

> set post-ATLA pre-TLOK
> 
> heavily inspired by Her Name in the Sky by Kelly Quindlen
> 
> title from exile by Taylor Swift feat. Bon Iver

Until that night, it was only a persistent nagging speculation tied with a rope in the back of my mind. But when I’ve finally tugged at the ends of that curious thread, a new, so terrifyingly new, emotion wraps me in the perfectly definite answer and truth that I am in love with my friend Lin Beifong.

I feel Lin make a movement from beside me and suddenly, like the force of a magnet reaching out to call metal, all my attention focused on her. Outside the breezy starry night in Air Temple Island, with my family’s chatters indecipherable in the background, and the twinkling existence of a million faraway stars demanding my eyes to look, it was Lin’s presence, so powerful and inevitable, that my circle of consciousness radiated towards, as if through her strong steady heartbeats she was bending the earth, my world, to gravitate around her.

I feel her lean in, and try as I may to satisfy the demands of the starry night seeking my notice, it was to her arm I turned as it reached out wrapped in bandages to the bottle of alcohol sitting in the small space between us. Despite the noise from inside the house, the sea breeze was our gentle music in the quiet space we’ve claimed in the steps of the porch leading up to the dining room. The moon, so bright and silver, teased its light from behind the thin cover of gray clouds. When we were all younger, all children with runny noses and a belly too full of encompassed innocence, Uncle Sokka told the story of how he loved the moon so much that he kissed it. I’ve never understood how his mortal lips grounded here on Earth could reach beyond heaven and stars, but now, sitting silently with Lin’s own force of gravity guiding my eyes towards her, I’ve realized that if felt strongly enough, simple human beings can be like great celestial bodies to a person who is in love. 

And my heart is awash with it, my blood pumping its bright essence into my veins. It feels like somewhere untouched in the deepest center of my soul, an enlightening has occurred, and even with the weight of my flesh and blood and bones, I feel weightless at the resounding thought that, yes, I am in love with Lin Beifong and all her green colors.

Lin notices my stare and she stops sipping from her cup, her verdant eyes brightening with a question, “What? Is something wrong?” she wipes the back of her hand against her mouth as she gets rid of an imaginary stain and I want to keep this moment of hers inside a safe in my heart to remind me of how this tough stern woman can also be the most adorably oblivious girl in the world. When her hand doesn’t mark the presence of a stain, she fixes me with her curious eyes once more. “Kya?”

A blush threatens to burn my cheeks when, at the sound of my name, my soul returns from its detached drifting in the euphoric realization of love. “Oh, I—“

Though rarely does it happen, I was glad at the sudden interruption in the form of my older brother blown over our heads and crashing into the grass feets in front of us. I wince when his back collides painfully with the ground. He stays down folding over his stomach for too long that I almost feared the worst, but his rowdy laughter echoes into the night and his form shakes with unrestrained mirth. Between breaths and laughter, he manages to wheeze “Tenzin—Tenzi-“ before my youngest brother screams at him. 

“Shut up, Bumi!” Tenzin, blushing head to toe, roars with all the might of a brave red turtleduck. He sweeps his arms in a wide stance, threatening to bend air to his brother if Bumi even dares to utter one more joke at his expense. And Bumi continues laughing, his tongue so obviously tempted to rile the young airbender once more. And I feel safe in the middle of this familiar chaos, of my brothers shoving and taunting, of my siblings loving through fighting. My father, a mature and calmer version of Tenzin, steps in before Tenzin blows Bumi away to the sea, which has happened before, as I recall from a collection of my happiest memories. 

“Tenzin, stop airbending on your brother. And Bumi, don’t tease Tenzin.” My father says in his gentle tenor making the scolding more of a worried chastising. Like ignoring the gust of a soft wind, Bumi once more begins his taunts that soon ends in groans as Tenzin tackles him to the ground once more as he tries to cover Bumi’s mouth. I look to my father and his face is twisted in the familiar angles of mixed concern and weariness at my siblings’ eternal bouts of trouble, my cue to finally stand. Doing my part in this long ritual of doubtfully healthy family bonding, I walk towards the struggling mess of limbs and red faces with my hands at my hips. 

“Alright, you two, break it up. Fight’s over, it’s way past your bed time.” I say in a demeaning voice, the teasing tones rising and falling in a practiced manner. Tenzin is on top of Bumi, heavily pushing his palms to cover Bumi’s mouth and excessively sealing his lips shut, but Bumi writhes from underneath him, the waves of his laughter still rolling off his body. 

Tenzin shouts at Bumi once more in a way that is both desperately pleading and immensely angry, “Don’t say another word, Bumi, or I’m gonna—“ and he launches off in a tirade describing his inconsequential retribution. 

As I usually do when my brothers end up tangling in the mud, I let Tenzin blow off his steam and allow him to continue reciting how he’s not going to talk to Bumi ever again as if this very same thing won’t happen again in the next 24 hours. Bumi laughs it off the entire time. I feel eyes looking at us and I’m suddenly reminded of Lin’s visit to our house, of her sitting just a few feet away at the porch watching us and witnessing the more private moments of the Avatar’s family, and I cock my hips a little more heavily to the right and let my chin just slightly tilt upwards. It quickly feels ridiculous, so I regard my brothers once more, “Okay, that’s it. Time’s up, you two. You’re embarrassing us in front of Lin.”

Tenzin quickly straightens up, his red face burning a little brighter, but Bumi roars even louder, his laughs now thundering around the ground. My father passes by me then and guides Tenzin away from Bumi. I hold a hand out for Bumi and he grabs it and allows me to pull him up. Dad already leads Tenzin towards the house who keeps his head down and is sticking ever more closely to our father as they pass by Lin. Lin glances at the two before returning her sights on me with a patient look on her face, a boulder unmoved by the strongest winds, unyielding to the steady stream.

Bumi slaps his hand on my shoulder and I jump. His laughter is dying out but he is still racing his lungs for air. “What did you do now?” I ask less because I was concerned for Tenzin – this happens every day anyways that my concern has weathered into worn out acceptance – but more because this very same thing will sprout a few more bouts this week before they find a new one to fight over, and I’d prefer myself prepared for the next time Bumi comes flying over my head. 

Bumi casts a look over my shoulder where the Beifong earth bender was at – I straighten my back a little more - before he grins at me despite his wheezing breaths. “Tenzin—he—oh, man, you won’t believe—“ He is cut off by our father’s voice from inside the house whose tone was much more stern than earlier. 

“Bumi, get here right now and apologize to your brother.” That silences Bumi and we share a look at another display of dad’s favor for Tenzin. He makes a quiet beeline towards the house and I wave my hand at him for a salutation and for luck.

The ground is serene once more, peaceful enough to welcome back the distant rolling of waves and the gentle music of the sea breeze that accompanied me as I sat beside the friend I have a crush on. I plant my palms behind me and lean back as casually as I could, “Did you enjoy the show?”

“It was fun to watch.” Lin says, her eyes staring a hard straight path to the distance but her voice filled with amusement. She tips her cup once more and I realize that the bottle we were drinking was already almost empty. I finally see the faint pink tint hiding below the surface of her skin and the drowsy hunch of her shoulders as she rests her arms on her thighs. Lin consumed most of the alcohol since I’ve never had much of an affinity for it, but I begin to notice my own self and how the adrenaline from Tenzin and Bumi’s earlier fight, and most especially, my latest life-changing acceptance of a feeling growing inside me and consuming me were making my lips curl into an ever present smile and my eyes widen brighter. 

The sky was darker now than it had been earlier as if the stars were slowly retreating back to their own beds and the moon was waving good bye, and I took it all as a sign that it was time to end the night. But not before I indulge just a little bit more to this happy feeling inside me, just a taste of what my mother and father must have felt – are feeling – when they decided to spend their whole lives together. I lean my body towards Lin so that the firm muscles of her arms are pressed against mine and my head is resting on her shoulder close enough for the wind to carry her scent to me. From a revolting part within me, I hoped this was casual enough for friends to do, and it makes me repulsive that I’m using the bonds of our friendship to hide something I want more of. But this is all new to me, and I am still testing the waters of this unknown territory. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

An ugly fear rings out that I’m scared of Lin’s response to my feelings, or much more accurately, I’m scared of the rejection I would most likely receive once I tell her. I know she’s drinking too much lately because she hopes the flavor of alcohol can wash away her problems with Aunt Toph and Su. I know that the reason she came here to Air Temple Island with her mother was that she hoped to grow closer with Aunt Toph through celebrating some random Team Avatar anniversary together. I know that she’s here with me outdoors drinking alcohol on the porch when the rest of our families were laughing inside was because she failed. Lin was a boulder, firm in mind and heavy with emotions. I know that if I tried to fit in more of mine, she’d close me up entirely. 

So for now, I’m content with my head on her shoulder and our sides pressed together. Just two childhood friends drunk in the night. And if I disguise it enough, if I add just a bit of glamour to the scene, my sleepy mind would tell me what my too-full heart wants. And this is enough, should be enough. I know that it isn’t, but I tell myself that it is.

The night is asleep when my mother and I climbed back up to the temple after seeing Lin, Su and Aunt Toph down to their ferry headed for Republic City. The boys didn’t come with us. Tenzin locked himself inside his room since the fight earlier and Bumi and dad were still trying to get him to come out. The whole time we were walking down to the harbor, my heart was racing to spill the truth, encouraged by the looming end of our night and the excitement of finally addressing my feelings before Lin had to go and it would be another week before we could see each other again. I was about ready to burst when she stepped up to the ferry’s platform. My mind no longer cared if I had to shout it up to her from the harbor, because the excitement was enthralling and so fully blissful. But I was frozen to a stop when I saw her eyes hardening at her sister. And it was so terribly petrifying how those eyes as green as spring could chill over and redefine the verdant color into a color of winter. It was terrifying how those cold eyes could look at me when just earlier tonight it had brightened with curiosity. So I keep my mouth shut and my feet grounded like Lin had summoned rocks to chain me to earth.

But I didn’t look away, because the wind was playing with her hair and the fabrics of her clothes. And it reminds me of the wind wafting her leathery scent as I rested my head upon her shoulders. It reminds me of my silent imagining of a time that can be, will be, if I finally muster the courage to confess. And it gives me hope that if not today then I can confess tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then the next, for as long as it will take for my steady stream to finally wear down stone.

I am once again lost in thoughts of possibilities as my mother and I trek the path up the temple. My mom’s hand gently wraps around my own and she leans closer to me, fixing me with her loving smile. There are wrinkles around the corners of her mouth now, and crow’s feet are beginning to show in her eyes, but the signs of aging have only added to her warmth and glow. “Tell me what you’re thinking, Kya.” She encourages me.

I look at her but I think about Lin’s eyes that had turned seasons in the span of a night, from the joy of spring to the cold of winter. I think about happiness and content and the so very bright light and warmth of love. Of how words can make the brighter light a reality or make it all crash down and send me into darkness, and oh, how powerful they are. And I feel restless in my skin. My body is uneasy at how I didn’t open my heart tonight, my body is too full. So I look at my mom with her wrinkles and certain acceptance, and I tell her.

“How did you tell Dad you liked him?” I ask and it makes me feel more like a young kid than a woman reaching her twenties. But mom smiles happily like she had waited to hear this question from me, and now she was ready.

“It was your father who confessed first, actually.” Mom says in a reminiscing smile. “We were about to go into an important and dangerous mission when he kissed me on top of a submarine in the middle of the ocean. Then he glided off to save the world.”

I try to reimagine my parents’ first kiss but with me and Beifong. It would be when some internationally wanted criminal attacks Republic City, and the buildings and streets are burning around us. People would be stumbling in panic, calling for help, and we’d be on top of a building. Lin would be about to grapple her metal cables and swing into the city like some hero, and I’d be looking at a group of civilians with injuries all over their bodies in the street below. Before we set off to save the day, I’d wrap my arms around her neck and bring her lips to mine, a heroic good bye worthy of a drama. “I don’t think I can do that, mom.”

My mother let out a soft laugh, “I don’t encourage you to. It was a very overly dramatic kiss and I assure you your father still blushes from embarrassment whenever I bring it up.” She says. “The first kiss didn’t start our relationship. Even after we defeated Fire Lord Ozai, we were still dancing around the edge of our romance. It took a while before we finally came to terms with what we felt, and I guess after all we’ve been through, we realized that we did love each other very much.”

I nodded, not really knowing what to say. My relationship with Lin wasn’t as unique and special as mom had with dad. I shared moments with her the same as any of my brothers did. Our friendship was built on our parents’ own friendships, of multiple family visitations and childhood memories, of an ever constant company present throughout our whole lives. It makes me less special, somehow, that most of the memories I’ve shared with Lin my brothers have as well. That the number of tiny little in-betweens we had with only the two of us was as much as the tiny little in-betweens she’s had with my brothers. And it makes me worry at the implications that if I have feelings for Lin, then do the others have them too?

“Tell me, Kya,” my mother continues when my silence has stretched for far too long. “Who is this person you’re thinking about?”

It comes out of me, sure and certain and truthful. “Lin.” And I didn’t know why I felt scared or why I wanted to take her name and revelation back, but I’m glad for my mother’s happy smile. “Mom, Bumi and Tenzin and I, we’re all different right?”

She seemed to understand the true intentions of my question because her lips straighten out a bit and her eyes narrow slightly. “The three of you are siblings, but each of you are unique. Just as Tenzin is air, and you are water, and Bumi is a non-bender, you all have differing personalities. Spirits know we know just how much from Tenzin and Bumi’s fight tonight.” A smile breaks out from her face again. “Do not ever think you’re not special Kya. You share a home with your brothers, but your life is yours alone. That goes the same with your interests.” I could have sworn she winked at me, but her eyes and smile remain the same.

By the end of our conversation, we’ve returned to the grounds in front of the temple. We enter our home, and just as I was heading down the corridor to my room, I almost collide with my father. “Kya!” he smiles. “At least one of our children is happy tonight.” My parents’ room was down the corridor on the other side of the house, so he must have come from Tenzin’s room.

“Tenzin still hasn’t come out?” I ask. The familiar feeling of concern rises up in me like a childhood toy finally dug out from under the old toy box. Even if Tenzin scrambles to his room after some of the fights, he has never locked himself inside for this long. “Maybe he’s already asleep?”

Dad’s eyes look down with worry. “I don’t know. He’s pretty upset with what happened tonight. Bumi’s still waiting by his door and apologizing.” The concern I felt grew into an enormous balloon, and my previous thoughts about Lin were overshadowed by the worry I felt for Tenzin. If even Bumi himself was feeling this guilty, then I feared a strange rift may have finally thinned their brotherly bonds into fragile glass. 

“What exactly were they fighting about, sweetie?” Mom asks, her happiness from earlier turning into great concern. 

“Bumi found out something about Tenzin. It’s very—personal. But Bumi was threatening to reveal it.” Bumi knows better than anyone that Tenzin was a very introverted person, so he must have really jumped at the chance to finally know the more intimate secrets Tenzin had been keeping. And, of course, Bumi just had to turn it into a prank. “I know both of you won’t share this to anyone,” Dad says and he gives me a meaningful look, the kind a father can only give to his child. “Tenzin has a crush on one of Toph’s kids.”

My stomach drops. From beside me, I can feel my mother stiffening as well. Time seemed to slow into a crawl between dad’s admission and his next words, and in those small pockets of infinities I got between seconds, my heart had raced from the moon and back and my mind was running with denials and miserable acceptance and cruel anger and a million more dreadful thoughts until it felt like my soul had lived a thousand past lives all over again before returning to this very moment in time where my body was frozen in the space between my father and the empty corridor to my room, to sleep and more dreams of Lin Beifong. And in the final pockets of my small infinities, all I thought of for the first time tonight was that I do not hear her name. Please say Su, please say Su, please say Su!

And then father says, “Bumi found out Tenzin likes Lin.” He goes on explaining how Tenzin was so distraught over the actions he made in Lin’s presence, but I couldn’t register anything anymore. I felt nothing, only thinking about how powerful words truly are. But feelings gradually built up inside of me.

The first emotion to hit me wasn’t sadness nor anger. It was betrayal, cruel traitorous betrayal. Betrayal at the hope I was given at the two names dad spoke that weren’t her own. Betrayal at the sound of her single syllable passing by my Dad’s lips and into existence and my reality. Betrayal that this was the very thing I dreaded, the exact thing I confided to my mother about. Betrayal that not just five minutes ago, my mother told me I was special and unique and what I had was my own, what I felt was my own, Lin was supposed to be mine. It was betrayal.

Next, it was pride. Strange that I feel it right now, but not surprising. I’ve always known Lin was the most wonderful being in the world, even if the world didn’t know that. I thought I was the only one who appreciated her greatness above the rest of us mere mortals. I’m proud that there were others who’ve seen it all along as well. She was great and beautiful and powerful like a queen, and I’m proud her light has shone greater than I thought it would have, reached farther than me. This was the emotion I decided to feel, forced myself to feel. This emotion was safe. It couldn’t break bonds, couldn’t cause rifts, couldn’t shatter glass bridges. And it would help me keep the tears from shedding as I face my father.

“Of course Tenzin would like Lin,” the words are thorns in my tongue and throat and heart, but I hold on to pride in the sea of great grief I feel in my heart. “She’s the greatest person in the world.” I smile, and at least this was a truth that belongs to me. “I’ll talk to both of them tomorrow. It’s getting late.” It feels like I’m suspended from my body. I can only see my feet moving me to the safe privacy of my corridor, of my room, but I can’t remember moving or deciding to move. I don’t know why I’m properly changing into my sleeping clothes, don’t know why I’m tucking myself into bed, when I expected I should have jumped right into the sheets and crumple into a tiny crying little ball. I lay on my side like it was a normal night, a normal time to fall asleep. And I stare into the darkness of my room. I don’t cry.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! if it was good enough, i might post the next chapter soon,, izumi may be there and probably PROBABLY some drunken shenanigans


End file.
